The Heart You Break

The Soul You Save

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When all other senses sleep, the eye of hope is first to awaken, last to shut. ~ High King Gil-Galad, Rings of Power.

Many years ago I found myself facing an impossible choice. To extricate myself from a relationship and situation that was eroding my sense of self, knowing full well I would be vilified and excoriated by family and friends alike for doing so – or stay, knowing full well also that staying would mean the end of me, my sense of knowing, my sense of identity, my sense of self.

In the excruciating pain of that moment I prayed hard to whatever powers may be for an answer. To stay or to go. Either choice seemed equally impossible. I could break a heart I deeply cared about and go, destroying the life I had known. Or I could stay and self-destruct within the known territory of a life without Life.

The next morning I woke to a refrain singing in my brain.

Sometimes, the heart you break, is the soul you save.

I knew in that moment what I had to do, because no matter what I did next, hearts would break, growth would begin, and learning would come hard on the heels of that growth. It was not for me to judge or understand, only to make the hard choice when no one else would, or could. If there is any reason at all for this existence it must be experience, growth and learning. Denying myself or anyone else the power of the pain in life altering moments, simply because I feared confrontation, because I dreaded hurting someone I loved, only meant we would both stagnate even further and be denied a chance at a better life as we suffocated in the quicksand of a relationship that no longer served a healthy purpose.

Pain, I’ve come to understand, while it should never be intentionally inflicted, is nonetheless a necessary and inescapable catalyst on our evolutionary journey.

I did then, with as much care and gentleness as the relationship allowed, what had to be done, and trusted that in the end we would both benefit from the heartbreak, on a level deeper than the eye could ever see. I trusted that when our hearts broke as I spoke the words that shattered, with finality, the illusions we had been living under, our souls secretly rejoiced for the opportunities in evolution that sprang to life in that moment.

It didn’t make it any easier, any less painful, but it did give me hope. Hope that all this torture happened for a reason, and would carry in it’s sharp and gnawing jaws a silver lined gift of redemption in spiritual awakening. My intention took on a finer purpose than just saving myself from oblivion. The intention to navigate the razor sharp reefs we had to cross with as little unnecessary damage to either of our vessels as possible. The intention to give us both the chance to grow from this heartbreak, rather than break apart only to drown in our sorrows. The ability and intention to pray for the highest good for all involved.

Still, judgment did, indeed, rain down on me. I understood it. No one had walked in my shoes or known the misery that they never saw that only existed behind closed doors. I had never shown the full extent of my pain to anyone, or explained just how fully I felt I was disintegrating from the inside out. Indeed, on the outside my life had appeared charmed.

It was an easy situation to condemn, and I had no recourse but to stay silent and move on, all the while observing and receiving a profound lesson in the far reaching consequences of the uninformed judgment of others. As the saying goes - nobody knows you like your friends and family. Except when they don’t.

More and more I see this trend from all angles, this trend to judge and condemn forthright with little to no understanding or compassion for others. Social Media abounds with self righteous statements regarding the care and keeping of horses, dogs cats and pets in general.

People are condemned for everything from not allowing dogs on their furniture, to competing their horses to not doing anything at all with their horses. The wheel of recrimination goes round and round, and more and more opinions fly from the spokes. It’s exhausting. So much of the time, these opinions come from people who are well meant but ill informed or just not very educated never mind experienced.

I often remind myself when asked for an opinion that opinions are like advice. They may be freely given, and freely tossed aside if not found to be a good fit. What matters is not what people do with our advice and opinions. That is between them and God, and no one else outside of that connection truly knows what is right for anyone else. What matters is the intention behind our proffered wisdom.

We can all learn from the animals in question, who read intention better than any of us. They understand quite well when someone is well intentioned even as they make mistakes. Personally, I think this is exactly why they are so forgiving of us as a whole. They know we are imperfect, but they also know when we are trying to do the right thing. When we mean well even as we do stupid things. They are extraordinary vessels of Grace, and sometimes, they are the cracks through which the light gets in. They invite us again and again to, as Leonard Cohen said:

That light has become my guiding light. Just try to do the right thing. To do everything with Grace. Check in with my intentions, and is it in alignment with the highest good for everyone involved that day, even if I don’t know what that means to them. Can I turn Grace loose to wind its tender way around and through our hearts, to guide our way and our decisions. To soothe any defensiveness and the need to be right.

I don’t always remember. I don’t always succeed. And it does not mean I don’t say stupid things or make tough decisions. It doesn’t mean nobody gets their heart broken and feelings hurt, myself included. It means that I trust that if my intentions are for the best possible outcome for all involved, that it will, one day, come to have a positive effect for everyone. Maybe not in the moment, maybe not tomorrow, and maybe I will never know what that comes to mean for the other soul involved, but as long as I feel in alignment with my heart and soul, and have invited Grace in to guide and ameliorate, I have left the door open to opportunity and hope for all.

Many years ago I fell in love with a young horse that came off the track for rehab at my barn. I had great hopes for our journey until disease left him neurologically unsound before we had even begun that journey. I suffered with him, and I suffered with the despair of now pouring time, money and energy into a horse I may well never ride, let alone develop as my passions longed to do.

As I struggled with guilt over my uncharitable thoughts, I railed at the powers that be that this horse, as much as I loved him, was holding me back from my best life, from giving my resources, talents and time to a horse who could enjoy the dream with me. From taking as good care of my other horses as I wanted to. My heart cracked under the weight of it all. And the powers that be whispered through that crack and shone a light on this fallacy, and suggested that perhaps I was the one holding him back from his best life.

Pet and horse ownership is much like going on one date and getting married right after, and while we would never condemn someone from rethinking and dissolving such a marriage, some will so cruelly judge those that decide to rehome an animal that they have come to realize is not a good fit after all. I am not condoning negligence, carelessly discarding the horse or pet and abandoning them at an auction or shelter. I am wishing for a depth and breadth of understanding that we are all different, and sometimes, rehoming an animal is the very best thing for them, never mind us. What counts, and informs, is the intention with which it is done.

My beloved horse found his right home within 24 hours, where he was loved, pampered and appreciated until his dying day fifteen years later. Turns out a friend of mine had been secretly in love with him for ages. Instead of suffering my frustration, which he surely felt and recognized even from across the field, he basked in love for the rest of his life, and I basked in the pleasure of having done right by my equine friend, while gifting a friend the answer to her dreams.

Not everyone can afford to keep a horse needing ongoing medical care. Not everyone can afford to keep a six year old horse they may never ride. And I am not just speaking in monetary terms. There is a heavy emotional and psychological cost to denying ourselves the pursuit of liberty and happiness. Who are we to judge another soul’s dreams and passion for riding, the desire to experience the pinnacles of equestrian training? Who are we to condemn someone for surrendering a horse they cannot ride, because they do not have the financial wherewithal to also acquire a sound horse to enjoy under saddle? Some people are born to ride. Some are born to heal. Some are born to do both, but they are few and far between. Who are we to say any of them must not make a choice that allows them to pursue their dreams when this one has died? We would never apply such reasoning to someone going through a divorce.

I do understand that what ignites people’s ire is that there is an innocent and helpless animal in the mix. An animal at the mercy of their human’s decisions. Again - I am speaking to intentional rehoming, not careless disposal.

If you are someone who is as happy taking care of horses as riding horses, and perhaps even more so, wonderful. Maybe consider taking on a horse that is no longer rideable, and giving it a good home while freeing up a dedicated rider to find a new partner, and giving that horse an excellent home.

My friend and my horse taught me that it all begins and ends with intention. In that moment when the voice spoke to me and told me there was a better life for him than I could provide, I knew what must be done. He would not leave my place till he found the right home. But I must set him free, with great care and discernment for I held his wellbeing in my hands, and hold the intention that he find his best possible home where he would be safe and treasured for life. And that is exactly what happened.

We all enter into relationships of all kinds with all sorts of hopes, dreams and expectations. More often than not, many of these are dashed, reshaped and sometimes, broken. When broken beyond repair, and the hard choices start piling up on our doorstep, we can find hope even in sorrow, disillusionment and despair, if we will only let Grace in to gently direct and inform the flow of the hard things we must now endure. The hearts we must break, the tears we must let fall.

And more often than not, I find in the long run that when I let Grace inform my intentions and free reign throughout my existence, while it may well be my heart that breaks, the soul I save is my very own.

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